Photo: Well done
I hate weddings. I especially hate weddings where one of the people getting married is someone I lusted after for almost six years who was willing to leave my wife and kids to get married but doesn’t want me, except instead he wants a girl who calls him 137 times when he goes out to a bar after 1am So yeah, this episode sucks. It sucks hard. Thanks for ruining my imaginary life, Kyle J. Cooke, complete asshole.
It’s a weird episode because it makes so much of what came before this season absolutely irrelevant. After starting the episode with Kyle and Amanda arguing over a prenup, we learn that they don’t end up getting one after all. After an entire season of trying to show Kymanda falling apart and their wedding might not happen even though People already released the official wedding photos, here we see the actual wedding taking place in the real world of the news.
And it’s not just the marriage that gets lost in the strange valley between filming and broadcast when social media is already alerting us to our faces like an informational bukkake. Lindsay spent Memorial Day through Labor Day introducing every man she met in her bed (and good for her). But we all knew it would end with her and Carl groping towards ecstasy in Frank and Donna’s garden. Austen and Ciara were on a collision course from the start, but here they completely avoid each other in a New Jersey suburb. It’s kind of weird to keep seeing Ciara dangling from Craig’s arm like a man’s bracelet, and then it looks like Austen was the cheese standing all alone with her friend and Southern charm costar completely ignoring him. Even Lindsay, who blew up the whole house just so she could canoe with Austen to her birthday party, sends him away so she can confess her true love to Carl.
The only shocking announcement is that Danielle says she would move to Charleston, a place she’s never been, to keep her relationship with Robert strong. Do you think his employer having another show in this town made this relationship easier? Can we expect Danielle and Kathryn Dennis to become best friends? I don’t know if Danielle would even add value to this show because most of what she brings to summer house is the Lindsay Whisperer.
Back to the wedding. There’s a lot of drama about the setup, as there is with most marriages. The florist gives up, and then someone named Rachel falls in their lap at the last moment and rearranges her entire staff just so she can be there on the big day. Hmm, I wonder where they found it? Could it be a little website called Producer Intervention dot com, orchestrating all your wedding day desires for the modest sum of just three appearances by the florist throughout the episode and several mentions about its quality and his life safer? It received five-star reviews from all the reality TV brides.
Then the happy couple catch COVID and have to self-quarantine within two weeks of the wedding, giving them just five days to finish it all at a suburban New Jersey home that appears to be next door to Teresa Giudice’s. . Oh my god, do you think Donna, Amanda’s mother, could be the person Evan Goldschneider was supposed to hang out with at his gym in Tenafly? This must be true?
As for the ceremony itself, it went off without a hitch. Their vows are cute and Carl’s refereeing is impeccable, even when he asks if anyone has any objections to this union. Although no one there is saying no, the editors give us clips of everyone on the show saying, “Yeah, I don’t think they should get married, but they went ahead and the did anyway, so I guess we’re stuck with them now. Whoo Hoo!” Really the only bad thing about the wedding is that they had to invite Alex. I laugh. He was fine. The worst thing about it is Andrea’s costume which makes him look like Grimace went Keto and now has abs that would tear the Fry Guys to absolute shreds.
That’s why I hate weddings. What is there to say? Patriarchy is respected. A woman was given as if she were property. They did the chicken dance, and everyone’s moms cried, and the cake wasn’t as good as expected. It was true here, and it’s true of every marriage. Everything is stupid I hate everything and a better reality show would have at least sent Kim Zolciak-Biermann’s mom so they could fight outside a tent in the backyard and this thing would have a bit of conflict at this.
Instead, we walk through a montage of Kyle and Amanda’s relationship, from when she was a booty call to when he might have dated a drunk girl at a nightclub. until their super romantic engagement to, what, marriage being on hiatus for several years due to COVID and life and Loverboy and prenups and being activated and someone not making sandwiches for someone else and a bunch of theme parties where Kyle never bought Amanda a present and adopted like 17 million puppies but you only see those on Instagram not even on the show. That’s it. It is what it is. It’s an inevitable and somewhat disappointing climax at the same time. That’s life, kids. That’s what we all gallop towards, at breakneck speed, hoping that we’ll only get a few good years of happiness before our backs turn sour and our limbs give out and our minds deteriorate in masses. gummies that look like something that would be served at a 70s dinner party.
I told you weddings were the worst. That’s how they make me feel, like every day is the end of summer. Like every day, the children pack all their party dresses and costumes in suitcases and take them back to town. It’s like Ciara finally cleaning up her room and Paige realizing she won’t be able to lie in that bed for 97 hours straight. It’s Andrea crying for a daughter he lost and Mya longing for Oliver, a guy she loves so much she can’t even talk about. It’s Carl and Luke realizing they’ve added absolutely nothing to the season, but strip down to their underwear in those creepy bedroom pics my husband loves so much he makes me rewind them several time. This is Alex just rinsing out his protein shaker and tossing it in a gym bag because that’s really all he’s had at home this whole time.
Now I feel nostalgic, but I think that’s the fault of this episode. The real goodbye should always be the whole cast jumping into the pool at the end of the episode, a real moment of joy and togetherness that shows us that, whatever happened, summer was fun. Summer should be fun. (Amanda? No fun!) Yes, summer should be fun, and even though everyone jumped in the pool, we had to sit for another 45 minutes while Kyle and Amanda cemented their love, and it was a little annoying.